My last entry was dated May 2018. It’s shocking that I have passed on writing a new entry here for over 2 years. It truly does not feel like it has been that long. A lot has changed, and I’ve lived through various things. Recently the Coronavirus epidemic has put a new variety of fear and anxiety into my life. I cannot go into public without wearing a mask. I haven’t been to a restaurant in months. It took me a while to work up the nerve to go grocery shopping in person, so for a while I got all my groceries through delivery services, which of course cost a bit more. I quit my job after the stressful sickness and death of a loved one in mid-February, intending to focus 100% on my writing and self-improvement. But the virus derailed that plan a bit. The virus became a huge distraction and all my usual, but tiny, outlets for social interaction were eliminated. Of course I tried to call my parents every day and I had my boyfriend to talk to, but the total elimination of face-to-face contact did have an impact, as did the ability to go for walks or seek exercise at the gym or the park. Now I do go for walks but my overall fitness definitely took a hit. Some back pain I’ve been living with since an episode in January 2018 came back in a big way, though I cannot say for certain why. It helps to walk but I am nervous that I will be living with the pain for a long time, possibly forever. I read that Florence Nightingale suffered longterm spinal inflammation—I wonder if I could have the same condition and if there is any treatment I can do myself.

I am living in the same place. Some days the apartment feels just right, but other days it feel insufferably small, the neighbors too close, etc. I don’t fantasize as much about living a life of luxury in a big apartment in New York, but a small upgrade would be welcome. I’ve decided about 2000 sq ft with a basement and a small backyard would be just right. My place now is 1100 sq ft, though some of that is 2 rooms by the front and back stairways (and possibly the stairs themselves?) and a narrow side storage area formed when the main hallway was eliminated in favor of an open floor plan. If someone is watching TV or being noisy in the middle living room/kitchen you have 2 options for seeking/giving privacy: the front living/dining room, or the bedroom. It would be nice to have another room or two, for a dedicated office or a guest bedroom. It would be nice to have a full basement to myself to store and organize my extra stuff, holiday decorations, or set up some workout equipment. Maybe I could cycle out my furniture instead of having to decide between cramming every bit into my current space or parting with it. I’d like my own yard to plant what I want and sit outside with some measure of solitude. I also miss seeing wildlife. I used to see plenty of opossums and birds, but I am certain the neighborhood cats have eaten pretty much everything except the squirrels and bats, which I guess have hard-to-reach habitats or movements quick enough to avoid capture.

I have a definite love for my apartment. I’ve had the place almost 5 years now. It breaks my heart to imagine someone moving in after me and tearing up the pretty wood floors, replacing the old wood doors with cheap modern ones, or anything like that. But it’s irrational to want to hold on to something that isn’t serving me well. I don’t sing in the shower anymore or practice music when I want to because I don’t want to be a rude neighbor. I definitely don’t listen to loud music, or any music. I nearly always put headphones on. I get nervous even watching TV after 8 pm, turning the volume down so even I can barely hear it. I often speak in whispers and tip-toe around, though the floor boards squeak anyway. It is a ludicrous way to live in one’s own home. I feel like I am losing a part of myself—I think of how much I used to dance around and sing, and listen to loud music, and play awful sounding chords just for fun—now I don’t play any chords or listen to any music. When I do play music, on my headphones, I have a moment with myself of “remember this? we used to do this a lot.”

It’s that way with a lot of things, remember this? Remember actually reading the news instead of waiting for it to come through your social media feed? Remember actually reaching out to friends, searching for them, instead of waiting for the algorithm to serve it up to you (just for you to minimally interact or filter yourself because what if they interpret your comment negatively and you get a negative response)? Remember when I didn’t scroll through the endless content and comments of random people every day?

I’ve been reading/listening to various people’s thoughts on reducing social media consumption. One person mentioned “diminishing returns” which resonated with me because though I can see the value in social media there comes a point at which further time spent on it sees less and less value. But I think our brains disregard this, coming back for better and more interesting content, but the content we need to fill that void often isn’t there for me when I’m looking for it… which leads to a lot of scrolling. The scrolling is the biggest time waster and it’s a behavior that can extend to virtually any online application. But I think it’s worse the greater the “social” aspect is intertwined… like if there is a chance for someone to “like” your content or give you feedback. There are some platforms where this is possible but less likely or less central (like this one) so you can use the platform in a fundamentally different way… a more natural way. This should be leading up to me announcing that I am abandoning the problematic platforms… but I’ve tried before and I don’t know if I truly can. I always feel like I’m missing out, or attempting some sort of hermit-like behavior. I would have to replace the online interaction with some other kind of better interaction, else I’m just isolating myself. In today’s world of masks and interruptions to social activities (even tiny tiny ones), this is less straight forward… but even before the virus it was challenging arranging regular meaningful (positive) interactions. So much of our interactions are built around work and projects. It can be hard to persuade many people to meet without purpose or a common goal. Meeting just for the sake of meeting can often be seen as frivolous, something you do if you have nothing else more important to do… but I am seeing more and more how important meeting for the sake of meeting truly is. Not just for me, but others as well.

Those unproductive platforms also give you a false feeling of done-ness. You can post something short and sweet, completely void of meaningful info about you or anything else, hit send/post and feel like you really contributed ….something… like that little opinion you posted or the snapshot you posted is filling people in about what you’re doing or what you’re thinking. But is it really? And if it is, what was the result of someone taking in that information. What did your viewer/friend/audience do with that new info that you gave them? Much of the time, they don’t do anything with it… you’re lucky to get a “like,” very lucky to get actual written feedback. So many people are producing content, throwing it out into the world, and getting very little return, like talking to a wall or maybe talking to yourself in public and hopping a passerby hears you and says something back. And when you log off or stop posting… what then? The reactions usually stop. Back in reality, do the online connections help you? I know there are cases where online interaction really helps people…there have been times in my life where I was alone and online interactions provided me social interaction… but as I get older and the platforms mature it doesn’t feel the same way. I think there have been changes with me personally as well as the platforms themselves. I might be rambling. But these thoughts have led me to posting here again versus somewhere else where I might be forced to fit my words into a smaller space. I can honestly say here I doubt many people will ever read this, whereas other places the algorithm will serve them up to others right away… and they will quickly scroll past to get to something more interesting.

I have a very raw sense of the world passing me by. I grasp for quick fixes but there are none. So many things feel futile now, when they didn’t before. Things like giving my opinion… what’s the point in saying something nobody is asking for? Just keep scrolling and keep the thoughts to yourself. I remember reading about a guy who cut himself off from the world. He was rich enough to live in an isolated way and not worry about income. He didn’t read newspapers or magazines. He didn’t listen to the radio or watch TV. His friends knew not to mention current events around him. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be like that, but I guess it is a sort of luxury, to be able to isolate yourself comfortably, mind you he still had friends and people to talk to so it wasn’t absolute isolation. Alright now I think I’m rambling.

It’s depressing that with all this time at home that I haven’t become super productive. I think a lot of people felt this way because for a bit during lockdown I kept seeing online articles saying “Don’t feel bad about not being productive during lockdown” or whatever, because lockdown is stressful and and it’s normal to have trouble doing things under stressful situations. Which is valid. But the feeling remains. It’s just something else to blame my procrastination on. It seems like my entries here always find a way to complain about my own lack of production.

Reading things I wrote in the past—often I sound so dumb. Not that I thought it was all brilliant in the first place, but you know, I did write it and keep it, so I must have thought there was something worthwhile about it. Another problem is that I don’t write enough, so the duds really stick out. Obviously there is a way to help that.

An additional problem is that I over-censor to the point of hindering my writing. Before I even move a finger, I’m weeding out anything too unsure, too controversial, too already-been-said that that is also hindering the whole process… with the effect that I look back at the finished product years later and say to myself, what was the point? But any writing is better than no writing. So thank you, past me, for at least occasionally trying to write something.

I set out with 16 Christmas cards and more than 16 addresses, mostly extended family. The list of addresses I have is from my graduation 6 years ago. I picked an obvious few to write first, but then realized I had no idea if the addresses were still current. Thinking about it a little bit, I figured it was less likely that these two particular aunts had moved in the last few years, so I kept going, finished their cards.

But when I went back to the list, the remaining addresses were all unsure. I have no idea how many are still valid. And some of them, I’m unsure if I want to send cards to because I am certain that they would never send a card to me. And that’s a lot of people to be unsure about. I would to think that perhaps I just need to go to bed. It is maybe a little late to be writing Christmas cards. But really sleep has nothing to do with it. I have absolutely no idea if any of these aunts or uncles, or any of the others still live at these addresses. There’s kind of a shameful aspect to it. That I talk so little to these people that I’m not even sure what town they live in. I guess when I was younger it was different somehow. There was always a time to look forward to—surely they would visit again, we would visit them, they would call, my parents would call… and I had the advantage of being much cuter, and I look forward to the future as a magical time when there would be loads of time for me to go forth as an adult and spend lots of quality time with my aunts and uncles, when I could ask them to tell me crazy stories about their young years before I was alive.

But I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. And meanwhile, I have all these addresses and a surplus of Christmas cards.

 

A conversation between two of my characters about a coffee shop:

What is that awful sound?
Why I believe it’s the interior of a Starbucks Coffee shop.
What is that?
It’s a place where people in the future go to buy overpriced coffee.
What is coffee?
It’s a drink made with the beans of a mountainous berry.
Why is it overpriced?
Well it costs a lot more than other coffees.
No, I mean, why do people pay more for it?
Well there’s this thing called branding—which has always existed—but it won’t be known by that term until the 21st century.
What century are we in?
The 14th.
Oh good, so in 700 years, people will drink overpriced berry drinks in loud rooms because of branding.
Yes, that is correct.

 

Welcome to NicholasLemen.com

After waiting a little too long on deciding whether NickLemen.com or NicholasLemen.com was a better choice, I learned that one of the other two Nick Lemens had recently taken NickLemen.com for himself. So I decided going ahead with NicholasLemen.com was the best choice. The other Nick Lemen is now a fully fledged graphic designer with some cool stuff, so check him out.

I go back and forth between Nick and Nicholas as far as putting my name on public projects goes. I’ve come to feel “Nick Lemen” has a better ring to it, and most people do call me Nick. But now I’m back leaning toward Nicholas. Sigh.

I am having a little trouble sleeping tonight. I wish I could say it was unusual. I was sleepy. I laid down, closed my eyes. No longer sleepy. I read something—the latest Lapham’s Quarterly about homes, which I bought last night—hoping it would induce sleep. But tonight reading just woke me up even more. Plus it’s a bit chilly in here.

My job has me working in the evenings, so I rarely fall asleep before 1 am—sometimes as late as 3. My mornings vanish; a groggy start landslides into another work day, until another week has alarmingly flashed by. Besides my bi-weekly paycheck, I have little to show for my time. I wonder, sadly, if this is the reality of most people—especially my parents and siblings, who have always worked full-time jobs as long as I’ve known them. There doesn’t seem to be enough time to visit people—I can’t even find adequate time to visit myself, if that makes any sense.

It’s quiet in here now. I tend to underestimate how good quiet is for thinking.

When thoughts come to me at work, it’s not much good because I cannot write them down. My job is strictly computer-based—no pen and paper in sight. I cannot complain too much though. The work is monotonous but somewhat interesting, and the people are nice. The hours aren’t the best, but I’m thankful that I can avoid rush hour traffic.

I changed the theme (appearance) of my blog so it’s a bit more plain.

I’ve been reading Marcus Aurelius a lot lately. I took his Meditations with me on a vacation this last week, and his words are so pointed, so clear (most of the time), that it is easy to imagine that he is speaking directly to me. I can read the whole thing cover to cover and find meaning in every line—the ones below are just some that I like tonight.

From Book X:

16. No longer talk at all about the kind of man that a good man ought to be, but be such.

27. Constantly consider how all things such as they are now are, in time past also were, and consider that they will be the same again. And place before your eyes entire dramas and stages of the same for, whatever you have learned from your experience or from older history; for example, the whole of the court of Hadrian, and the whole court of Antoninus, and the whole court of Philip, Alexander, Croesus; for all those were dramas such as we see now, only with different actors.

From Book XI:

21. He who has not one and always the same object in life cannot be one and the same all through his life. But what I have said is not enough, unless this also is added: what this object ought to be. For as there is not the same opinion about all the things that in some way or other are considered by the majority to be good, but only about some certain things, that is, things that concern the common interest, so also ought we to propose to ourselves an object that shall be of a common kind (social) and political. For he who directs all his own efforts to this object, will make all acts alike, and thus will always be the same.

From Book VI:

19. If it is difficult to accomplish something by yourself, do not think that it is impossible of man: but if anything is possible for man and conformable to his nature, think that this can be attained by you, too.

30. Take care that you are not made into a Caesar, that you are not dyed with this dye, for such things happen.

31. Return to your sober senses and call yourself back; and when you have roused yourself from sleep and have perceived that they were only dreams that troubled you, now in your waking hours look at these (the things about you) as you did look at those (your dreams).

38. Frequently consider the connection of all things in the universe and their relation to one another. For in a manner all things are implicated with one another, and all in this way are friendly to one another; for one thing comes in order after another, and this is by virtue of the active movement and mutual conspiration and the unity of the substance.

39. Adapt yourself to the things with which your lot has been cast: and the men among whom you have received your portion, love them. Do it truly, sincerely.

From Book IV:

3. Men seek retreats for themselves, houses in the country, seashores, and mountains; and you, too, are wont to desire such things very much. But this is altogether a mark of the most common sort of men, for it is in your power whenever you choose to retire into yourself. For there is no retreat that is quieter or freer from trouble than a man’s own soul, especially when he has within him such thoughts that by looking into them he is immediately in perfect tranquility; and tranquility is nothing else than the good ordering of the mind. …

For with what are you discontented? With the badness of men? Recall to your mind this conclusion., that rational animals exist for one another, and that to endure is a part of justice, and that men do wrong involuntarily; and consider how many already, after mutual enmity, suspicion, hatred, and fighting, have been stretched dead, reduced to ashes, and be quiet at last.

13. Do you have reason? I have. Why then do you not use it? For if reason does its own work, what else could you wish for?

17. Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good.